Swan Pardons Turkey

In a rare move for a local government official, Kissimmee Mayor Jim Swan gave a full Mayoral pardon to one lucky local turkey who, it is rumored, ran afoul of the law recently. According to Kissimmee Police Department reports, Thomas Wilks Turkey had been arrested, tried, and convicted of several attacks on unsuspecting movie goers at local movie theater in the new LOOP strip shopping center. Multiple victims with bloodshot glazed over eyes recounted tales of horror of how Mr. Turkey attacked them while they were waiting at the movie theater. His conviction lead to a sentencing of death by lethal deep frying which, so far, has not been challenged as cruel and unusual punishment by civil liberties groups.

After several appeals by court appointed attorneys, Mr. Turkey was finally scheduled to be executed on November 22, 2007, which just happened to be Thanksgiving Day.

Recent evidence had surfaced that discounted the original version of events of the victims. Evidence has been rumored to show the victims could possibly have been under the influence of some type of substance and may be guilty themselves of LUI or LOOP’ing Under the Influence.

With this new evidence coming to the light, Kissimmee Mayor Jim Swan granted a full pardon to Mr. Turkey.

Mr. Turkey had been close-lipped about the entire incident, seemingly unaware of the seriousness of the charges. After the pardoning ceremony, Mr. Turkey said “In a gesture of reconciliation and goodwill for this magnanimous act, I am encouraging all turkeys to vote Republican in the 2008 City of Kissimmee Elections. It may be the only votes they can get."